Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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