I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
