end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
