He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
