A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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