I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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