I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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