this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
