so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
