the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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