take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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