My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
this hospital has no fireball
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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