you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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