He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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