I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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