dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
