Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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