I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
