Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
