just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The uberlube is also flammable
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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