I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
