Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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