they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
