Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i've created a new STD.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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