i barfeds in our rink
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
