Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
