i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
