Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
