I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
