Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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