I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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