After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Let's get the cat blown out
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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