so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
