when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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