Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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