I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you had me at cake vodka
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
