I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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