You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
