I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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