tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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