GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
