I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
