I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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