this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
