The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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