You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
