why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
