Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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