why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
