i love accidental penises.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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