There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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