I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
