you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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