It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
