You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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